Nourishment and healthy living was not something I was used to growing up. As a young girl, I spent the majority of life mildly depressed. Anxiety, grief, confusion, disconnection, trauma, countless eating and body disorders with no connection to food-this is what shaped my reality for many years. I want to start off by saying that none of this was my parents fault, for they did the best that they could.
My parents were separated for most of my life and extremely hard workers which left me with a lot of alone time. With what society pushed on young women, I was struggling to find approval and couldn't find acceptance of my body. I felt rejected from my blood sister growing up which caused a lot of pain and disconnection to women.I felt rejected from my father since he left when I was very young, though in reality he loved me deeply and worked so hard to keep supporting us. But being young and unaware I spent years feeling not enough, causing me a lot of disharmony with men. I didn't know how to manage grief with loss of family members nor how to actually talk about the grief of my parents separation. One of my doctors thought it was best if I got put on prescription drugs at a very young age which disconnected me from my own natural energy and thoughts. Additionally, I wasn't eating healthy, nourishing meals and was surrounded by peers with poor habits which lead me to the hard drugs and alcohol. This all started as young as the age of 12 and continued through my high school years.
Though I would appear happy to my friends and family, I spent countless hours hiding and crying in my closet, and experienced a domino effect of imbalances that I felt like a had little control over. I began over-exercising to burn more calories than I was eating, which created malnourishment and stopped my menstrual cycle. I counted calories, weighed myself constantly, and starved myself till my bones showed. In addition I abused prescription drugs, myself, and continued to engage in toxic and abusive relationships with men to feel needed and wanted, filling that gap I never healed from my early abandonment issues. I had no true idea of what I was missing in life because I was drowning in my own fear and insecurities, feeling that I should be someone I'm not just to find acceptance in the world.
In my early twenties I started to spend more time alone and began exploring the outdoors. I also began to notice some major health concerns that were arising from the all the abuse my body had endured, and that's when I decided to quit. I quit everything: the drugs, the partying, the man I was with at the time, and anyone who wasn't going to be supportive of these new changes. Somehow something clicked inside me, and I began to be revived. From that moment on, I was determined to heal myself holistically both physically and mentally and stopped wanting to live through the approval of others and the beliefs of society.
Knowing that one of my biggest problems was my disconnection with food and my body, I decided to go Le Cordon Bleu School of Culinary Arts, which sparked my interest in nutrition and wellness. I began to build momentum in my health and healing and picked up many more tools and experiences to help my on my journey: yoga teacher training, massage therapy school, studying Ayurvedic medicine and herbalism, whole foods and nutrition, intuitive dance, elemental movement practices, emotional awareness techniques, meditation, hiking, and singing. I started to see that I was more than just disconnected with myself, I was disconnected from living life to its fullest potential.
All these forms and tools of connection reassured me that I was always supported. I was surrounded and made of all that I needed. My spirit, physical body, mind, and emotions were all connected to the natural rhythms and elements of life: Earth, Fire, Air, and Water.
Dedication, vision, and intention is what I found through the Fire element as i churned the mind through meditation, This helped me gain true self discipline and motivation. Stability, wisdom, creation, and structure is what I found when I connected back to the Earth through more grounding yoga asana and food. Fluidity, non attachment, depth, emotional awareness, love, and trust is what I found when I went surfing, engaged in movement practices, and engaged in emotional processing. I learned to embrace and develop a fluid, adaptable state of living and thinking, knowing I was in control of what I wished to release or hold onto. Mental strength and spaciousness is what I found when I was in the element of Air. The allowance to feel and also lose all control in such a powerful way, making me find complete surrender. With Air, you learn to be so present, being able to feel the energy around yourself as you move. I found this through hiking, traveling, singing, and intuitive dance. I found balance through them all. I found harmony in my primal, natural state.
Finding my truest primal, wild, crazy beautiful nature has been a scary yet gorgeous ride. The results of putting the primal forces into harmony has been priceless.
I am not saying I am fully healed. I still go through moments of doubt, fear, and judgments of my body. I am a human simply being, but now I have gained tools to help me work through these challenges, coming back to a sense of freedom and the present moment. I am honored to share these tools with women who need the same healing. Women who have tried everything to be at peace with themselves and the world around them, but have not yet found their unique ways to nourish themselves on all levels.
I wish this state of Primal Harmony for all because to be in your true authentic nature is one of life's most amazing gifts.